Im Bald

Merry Christmas everyone!!!  Guess what… I am bald.  I shaved my head after it started leaving a mess all over my pillow.  This is after me not taking showers for a whole week because I couldn’t stand washing my hair and having my hands just covered in my hair.  Make that not taking a shower for a whole week twice.   It left such a mess on my pillow that at some points I would roll around and end up with a lone strand at the right angle to stick right up my nose and tickle me awake.  So here I am bald.  It’s still a little shocking though when I see videos from Liliana’s birthday or pictures and see that I’m bald.  I think I can pull it off; it doesn’t look bad… in fact I was looking at myself in the mirror and told Renée “you know Renée, I’m not going to lie, but I look good.”  Well at least now I have a +2 to my intimidate checks…

I don’t like taking pictures anymore when I’m getting chemo or even look at the pictures that I have taken because when I do I start getting nauseas.  I don’t like talking about whatever the red chemo is that they need to administer via syringe, because it makes me nauseas.  Speaking of red stuff, my sister-in-law gave me Hot Tamales candy because she said that I would get a metallic taste in my mouth and that would get rid of it… well I ate them all before I had my first chemo.  So Renée went out and got me some more.  Well during chemo and after chemo I was downing Hot Tamales instead of actual food… the chemo still made me sick and gave me heart burn, I felt like crap.  Now I hate Hot Tamales and everything cinnamon candy.  It even affected me when we went to See’s Candy got their new cinnamon lollypop… I couldn’t even put it back in my mouth a second time.  Now here it is my fifth chemo and still not an expert on keeping that metallic flavor out of my mouth.

Well I am going back to get my fifth chemo treatment… I hate it.  But the great thing is I’m alive, and get to stay that way.  No matter how crappy the smell, feeling, or effect the chemicals are having on me I’m alive.  Who knows, if cancer detection and those horrible chemos didn’t exist I maybe could be dead by now.  The 105.5F tempter, night sweats, fatigue, violent shakes and weakness I had, was right at the end there before I started treatment and who knows how long after that I could have lasted.  I am grateful to live in this time where Hodgkin’s Lymphoma doesn’t always kill.

This past Tuesday was Liliana’s first birthday and I would not have been able to enjoy it if I had gone off and joined the Air Force.  It was so special a feeling to see what she has become one whole year after she was born.  So I am grateful that I was able to be here at that moment, and this one at Christmas.  I love my family.

     Well tomorrow is the second treatment of chemotherapy. After receiving my first treatment I only really had one side effect and that was the itis. For those of you who aren’t really familiar with chemo and what it does to people the itis is short for “Itis don’t want to do anything.” So besides that nothing else really happened.

     There was one side effect from the nausea medicine they gave me through my port. I don’t know what it was called but the next day it causes bouts of hiccups… What the crap??? Hiccups really? The day after I got my first treatment I just started hiccupping, then I stopped. I thought nothing of it until it happened again about twenty minutes later and Renée said she didn’t think she had ever heard me hiccup before. I just stood there trying to think of what in the world could be causing it. So we looked it up and sure enough there is something called chemo hiccups. It wasn’t cause by the chemo itself but the nausea medicine administered during treatment, funny thing, huh? The nausea medicine that was prescribed to me, that I would be taking for the next few days after, would not have the same effect. Throughout the day I would start hiccupping after I got up from sitting or laying down, it would last a few minutes then go away or sometimes it would just happen if I twisted or bent just the right way… what was that stuff, a diaphragm freak out steroid?


     Today Renée decided to try and comfort me before I went to me second chemo tomorrow by getting me a candy bar that is not only delicious but quite accurately describes me, a Big Hunk. I appreciated it. On the back it had an image that tells you how you should eat the candy bar. It was actually a message from one Big Hunk to another about how I am to treat the cancer and chemo tomorrow, thank you Renée for relaying that message.

     We will see if I can get some photos of the place tomorrow.

Chemotherapy for the first time.

I just got out of my first chemo treatment.  They told me that nausea won’t set in until tomorrow but I think the fear of it is doing me in right now.  So I decided to quickly write up a blog before I too sick to do so.

We woke our beautiful sleeping beauty Liliana and got her ready for another day at her cousins.  When we dropped her off she was ready to follow her cousin Elliot around the living room, all the while pointing and saying “Dah.”  Which I think translates to her saying “That” at anything that catches her attention.

Showing my iv hooked up to my port
 that is in my chest while
 trying to find a good tv show.

We got to the doctors and found that there was special cancer parking for me right in front of the building, perfect!!!  We walked right in and sat right down.  I was expecting a quiet place all to myself where I could just sit in my own fear of actually starting chemo.  The set up in the room felt like, at first, a place where cows are lined up to be milked.  I would have taken a picture but I don’t think the others there would have liked that.  There were enough people there getting their chemo who where all chatty with each other or the nurses that I knew I was not going to get any peace and quiet.  It was good though because it brought me right out and I even started to chit chat with the lady next to me.  She had a great attitude and was happy because it was her last treatment of chemo, I was excited for her.  After I told her this was my first time she didn’t much worry about me because I was only 25 and was going to be just fine.  Of course she warned me it’s all about my attitude and that was what really counted the most.  I’m sure in terms of cancer my good attitude wouldn’t mean a lick if I wasn’t getting it treated, but seeing as how I am covering all my basses I will try and keep it up.  After a while I was able to drown out all the sounds with the aid of a little TV and head set they provided.  I flipped back forth between Will & Grace and Fraser, two shows I wished I didn’t actually find captivating; I wish I had the Walking Dead.  Mean while Renée was playing Angry Birds on our Galaxy Tab.

Renee passing the time away palying Angry Birds.

Getting the Red Devil that turned my pee red.

One of my chemos is nice and red, they said that it would go in red and come out red too, so don’t be worried.  Sure enough when I was all done I had to go to the bathroom and it was red coming out.  I didn’t know if I should feel excitement because I knew the chemo was going through my body quickly and thus attacking my cancer or if I should be frightened because I knew the chemo was going through my body quickly and thus attacking the rest of my body.  Anyways it still came out red and that was pretty cool.

 

Well right now I feel that there is something in my body that isn’t normally there but I don’t feel nausea yet.  So I will just lay down now and wait for the time to take my nausea medicine again.  Hurray for killing cancer!!! Only 6 more months!!!

More Children... cont'd

Wanting to cryogenically freeze your sperm costs money… huh, go figure.  As it turns out I happen to have cancer and was approved for the Sharing Hope discount which is from LIVESTRONG.  They paid for half of the costs, lab tests, freezing, and storage for a year.  I am so grateful for this.

It was hard to find the fertility clinic at first.  It is in some building with an imposing red geometric set of monkey bars built right on the face of it.  So all of the directions to this place said it was on the plaza level… what do you think of when you hear plaza level?  Well I think that it is a fancy word for first floor.  So I walked in the building and all I saw was elevators and a hallway which did not have the fertility clinic in it.  So I walked outside and looked around.  Then I saw their sign that pointed the way down some stairs that led to a lower parking lot and offices that had access only from the outside.  I called Renée, who was parking the car because we were late, and left a message for her about how to get there.  So it turns out plaza level means basement, with no elevator access.  It was an adventure but we both made it. 

Of course I needed to actually provide specimens for this all to happen and have a blood test for STDs.  With each sample I provided they determined the count and mobility.  We haven’t received an account on all of them, but the first sample had a low count but they were sure mobile… I guess water polo in high school paid off, so all is well.  300 anyone?

A few days ago I got a packet in the mail from LIVESTRONG thanking me for participating in their program.  Thank me? Thank you for the money.  They also gave me a refrigerator magnet and one of those yellow LIVESTRONG wrist bands.  When those yellow rubber wristbands first came out I thought they were pretty cool.  Then after a few years I started to think they were dumb because people were wearing them because it was the cool thing to do.  Well here it is however many years later and Lance Armstrong just gave me $600, I can wear his little wristband, thank you Lance Armstrong for the money.  I think what I’ll do is buy Trek from now on… I don’t know, maybe not.  Yeti looks good, plus it will be a while before that ever happens.

Anyways now that all of this is done I will start chemotherapy tomorrow.  I don’t know when it will end but I have to be there at 9am.  Renée will obviously be there with me for my first time, thanks to my awesome sister-in-law and brother-in-law who will be watching Liliana, which they are good at because they have watched so much already.  Liliana likes it there with her two cousins… well I think she does because when we go and get her she is always in a good mood.

Chemotherapy here I come!!!

                October the 18^th I finally got my port put in.  I can now start chemotherapy! WOOHOO! Let’s get to killing some cancer and losing some hair!  Anyways I had to be there at 6am.  Liliana is still asleep at that time so Renee had to stay with her.  My mother-in-law was able to drop me off.  So at 5:30am we got in the car and started south.  I had been having a fever and sweats for the past few days this coupled with it being still dark out I wasn’t too excited about the prospect of having a medical device inserted in my body.  When we got there I was nice a sweaty but upon getting out of the car I felt the nice marine layer that I miss so much here in Escondido, it cooled me down real well.

                Now I will draw an analogy here so you can get a picture of what it may have looked like to see me walking to the front desk.  There are many different types of zombies but they generally fall into two basic categories; the slow “Night of the Living Dead” zombies or fast “28 Days Later” zombies.  The slow zombie seems to not be in control of its actions, lumbering around guided by no real motivation save it is eat that person at the end of the hallway, but take your sweet time getting over there.  Whereas the fast zombie, when he notices you, will break its neck looking at you so fast at the same time as he gets into a slight squat coiling its muscles to spring into an all out sprint straight for you, while maintaining a manic eye contact the whole time.  They both come individual or in hordes.  Ya I felt like crap, so for me I was more the “Morning of the Living Dead” zombie, taking my sweet time to get to the front desk down the hallway.

                After I checked I sat down on a couch and just waited.  A few more people came in also looking like it was six in the morning and they too were having medical procedures done.  A lady came down and started calling off names and had every one get up and follow her.  We looked like a horde of zombies, “Braiiiiins.”  All I wanted to do was get to the bed they were going to give me and just fall asleep.  As soon as I got to the floor and room where they would prepare me for my surgery I was hit by a wall of ice and wind.  I think they keep it an even temp of freeze my face off.  They wanted me to change into a gown in this oh so cold place.  How in the world was I going to do this without shaking to death or worse yet what if I shake so violently from the cold I lose by balance and fall right through the curtain and into the hallway… naked?  As a precaution I changed my clothes far enough back from the curtain as possibly.  After I got established it turned out I got a blanket that had been sitting in a heater or something, awesome.  Blood was taken, questions were asked, and my temp was taken at 100.2, the surgery was going to happen.  There was some between time that I was left to wait a bit.  This was time was spent with me trying to find a television channel on their little extendable arm TVs that would drown out the woman next to me that would not stop asking questions.  I finally settled on the hospital’s own San Diego traffic report channel.  It had some jazzy elevator music as it background to boring green and red flashing lights on a map of San Diego’s freeways.  I was able to turn it up and pull it right next to my head.  Oh ya and someone came in and shaved half my chest for me.

                Well it was time to get started.  They rolled me down to a room where I was to be put on a bed and have the port put in, I met all the people who were going to be involved and felt pretty good about it.  They put one of those blue sheets on me that have a hole in it exposing only the area that is to be cut open.  It covered my face too.  They put up a poll next to my head and put the sheet that was covering my face on it, thus making me a little tent for my head.  For this surgery I remember a little more than when I had my bone marrow biopsy.  I remember a lot of tugging, pulling and pinching.  The pinching was from the doctor sewing me back up.  At one point of coming in and out of memory I remember talking to the doctor and hearing him say that he needed to focus and needed me to stop talking to him.  I promptly thanked him for becoming a doctor so he could do this for me and then I didn’t remember much after that.  When things were wrapping up I could tell they were taking images of my chest so I attempted to bring a thumbs-up under the blue sheet that they would see in the x-ray, and then when I would ask for the x-ray and have it I could post it here and show everyone how cool it looked… it didn’t work.  I was way off.  My thumb is way lower then where they were focusing the x-rays.

               

The purpose of this port is to make it easier to administer chemo and draw blood. Every two weeks I would get a few needles stabs in the arm but with the port they will only need to go through that. It will sit in my chest in front of a rib with a catheter that leads right into a vein in my chest. Well now that this port is put in I can now start chemo. It will be on Thursday the 26^th, they will hook up some tubes or something and I will blog about that crap experience too.

                I was lucky this time not to have to remember how to describe what my wife looked like on the way back to my room or I might have been in trouble.  Maybe I should get her face tattooed on my arm, so when someone asks what she looks like when I’m under the influence I can just point and grunt… What do you think Renée?  I already know her answer.  It would be “How about you know what I look like Clay.”

Got to bed, ate food, and got to finally use our brand new Galaxy Tab.  I put my ear phones in and covered my eyes… took pictures of what I looked like, and then fell asleep.  I must have been tired because I feel asleep listening to bluegrass, just like am now writing this blog.  I was woken and started the checkout process.  Renée was called at around that time and started her way down with Liliana.  Liliana had her check up that day as well so they were already out and ready to come and get me.

More children

Before Renée and I were married I was asked by my father-in-law-to-be to pray and speak with God about marrying his daughter.  I had done so before and the Lord already knew what I felt.  I don’t know what my words were but I decided to open to a page in the scriptures at random.  It was Psalm 127: 3-5.

3. Lo, children are an heritage of the lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.  4. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.  5. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

                God did not need to say “Yes Clay, this is the woman you should marry.”  He instead decided to counsel me about a very important purpose of marriage.  It was simple, children are a heritage and a reward and they bring you joy.  Christ is joy; He is the one who wrought the atonement, thus enabling Renée, me and our quiver of arrows to be sealed together.

                Besides hair loss, fatigue, nausea, diarrhea, and constipation one of the results of being on chemotherapy is sterilization.  I may not be sterile, I may just have a low sperm count, but ultimately this will affect our having more children.  I love Liliana and I want what is best for her, I really believe that having a sibling will be good for her.  I also believe that the family is ordained of God.  Wanting to expand my family is important to me.  Liliana brings me so much joy, and I can only imagine having more.  The idea of Liliana being friends with her little brother or sister fills me with excitement and anticipation.  I have always just expected to have a family with more than one child.  This is why Renee and I are seeing a fertility specialist today.

Bone marrow biopsy doesn't hurt... if you don't remember.

The oncologist needed to know if the cancer was in my bones or not.  The fact that he even needed to know was a little scary for me because my great grandmother died of bone cancer.  I know that something like that jumping two generations was slim, but nevertheless it was still worrisome.  I was able to get right in and scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy.  Of course everyone had to let me know that bone marrow biopsies really hurt… a lot.  The idea of having a needle stabbed hard enough into my bone to pierce through to the spongy center and draw out the marrow just made me so excited to go through with it.

Renée and I arrived at the hospital and waited about five minutes for the elevator in the parking structure to show up and take us down one floor.  We gave up and walked down the flight of stairs, it took us twenty seconds.  We got inside and were led to my bed and changed into my gown.  We were later met by my mom who was able to sneak right in because she wore her scrubs and blended well.

When it came time to start they transported me to the room where the biopsy was to take place.  I had to say goodbye to my wife and mom while they waited out in the waiting room.  It was pretty cool looking at the setup they had.  There was a CAT-scan machine and I was to lie on the table; I guess they took images with it while it was going on.  The reason I say “I guess” is because there are images and as soon as I laid down on my stomach I was out with whatever they used.  Then as soon as I closed my eyes they were telling me that I needed to turn over onto the other bed so they could transport me back... I thought I was going to get to nap or something.  But nope, it was done.  I tried to think of what happened, all I could recall was a distant dream that I wasn’t even sure I had or not.  It was of me feeling or hearing a crunch and saying “Aahh, aahh, you got it, that’s it.”  Was that from them hitting bone then pushing through or was it just a dream?  But it didn’t hurt.

Notice the needle poke in all the way and pull out... Then it comes back in all its fury. 

Just in case I am not able

to describe my wife again

here is a picture of her,

as well as my daughter for safety measures.

Anyways I thought I was totally awake, I was able to roll to the other bed and recognize that the transporter was going to take me back.  On our way past the waiting room I said my wife was there.  He asked what she looked like but for the life of me I could not describe her at all, because she was standing right in front of me and I was so confused why he would ask that when she was standing right in front of him… All I could muster was “that’s her.”  She and my mom followed us back to the area where I was to wait till I was able to leave.

I was starving.  They offered a sandwich that they had on the ready just in case I couldn’t wait.  I waited and was rewarded for my patients with a hamburger, soup, salad, and a cookie.  Hospital food never tasted so good. 

Neck Biopsy

I got to see the ear, nose and throat doctor to discuss a biopsy on the lymph node in my neck.  While there in his office he stuck a needle in my neck to suck out some lymph node juice with the intent to find cancer cells, so we could avoid the full on surgery.  They found nothing in the sample they got.  Well it looked like I needed to go under the knife.

                On September the 26^th Renée and I got to the hospital and checked in.  I was given a little stone with the word “strength” etched in it.  It reminded me of one of my favorite Book of Mormon scriptures, Ether 12:27.  I saw her little pile of stones so when I got the chance I peeked at what another one said, just in case I thought mine was dumb.  All I saw was one that said “happiness.”  Well I guess she decided I needed to be strong instead of happy.

 We got to wait in a room with a reclining chair, which I sat on.  As we waited I took the opportunity to let Renée know what kind of delicious food I was going to want after we got out of this.  Hamburger, or burrito, or maybe something with a milk shake I was going to milk it for all it was worth.  Right about that time one of the nurses came in and let me know that I would not want any of that.  The anesthesia that they were going to use on me was going to shut my body down… that included my digestive system.  Besides the fact that I might get nauseas just putting that much food in my body might be a bad idea, not to mention it was all greasy.  I asked the doctor if they could just put me in a twilight state so I would not have to go all the way under.  He said no because the lymph node they were after was on my carotid artery and he didn’t want me to move and slice it open.  I was greatly disappointed out about that.

"Wouldn't it be wonderful
if I could do with a knife what
 that old Spaniard did with a brush?"
-J.S. Steinman, BioShock.

It finally came time for the procedure and I had to say goodbye to Renée.  I was led to the operating room and had a feeling of anxiety.  I always think it is pretty darn cool to see what is going on and how they are going to do it.  But this time I just felt a little nerves.  I guess it didn’t help that I had just started playing a video game called BioShock and the first level bad guy you have to defeat is a crazy Picasso of a surgeon who wasn’t held back by pesky little things like ethics… I was in surgery.  When you encounter this crazy surgeon in the videogame you see where he works and you see the surgeries he wasn’t happy with.  Their arms where strapped out to the sides on tables that hung from the ceiling… When I laid down on the table there were straps.  I keep playing the game.

It is held together with glue.

I woke up in a totally different room with an ice pack on my neck.  I didn’t know how much shoulder I was showing or I would have had Renée pull it up for me before she took this picture with my phone and sent it out to everyone, but now it’s on my blog.  I had no desire to eat anything heavy so we went to subway. I ate half and that was a bad idea.  I was nice and nauseas and by the time I got home I went straight to bed.  The next day I felt like I was walking on a boat all day.  The day after that I thought I had enough strength to go a play DnD.  I would just be sitting on a couch I would be fine.  I took a two hour nap after.

After waiting about two weeks we got the results and meet up with the oncologist.  That was on Friday the 7^th.  He let us know it was Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Nodular Sclerosing.  Very curable and only 6 months of chemo, as opposed to Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma which is much harder to cure and about a year and a half of chemo.  So the good news is that I have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, Nodular Sclerosing.

A what Scan?

No I don’t like pets, but it turned out that I had to get a PET-Scan.  I was a little excited about being irradiated then having a continues image taken of my body.  On Sep. 8^th I was able to go and get my scan before that crazy black out.  It was pretty darn cool.  I sat there while they pulled out this mettle case that held the radioactive material that was going to be shot into my body… just in case anyone was wondering the isotope that was used to isolate the cancerous cells is called FDG or for those of you who need it dumb down a bit, Fludeoxyglucose (¹⁸F).  Which has a half life of about two hours, compared to carbon-14 with a half life of thousands of years… (Thank you Robert Terrill)  I’m glad they grabbed the right syringe or that might have grown an arm out of my belly.

The plan was for me to just sit there for about 40 minutes while it soaked thoroughly throughout my body but that was interrupted.  Apparently the next patient after me showed up early and they decided to go ahead and get her ready too.  So I had to take my radioactive butt to another room and lay on the machine… its ok, I fell asleep.

                The scan was completed and we were able to get a CD of the images, and it looks like this!!! 

 Man, look at all that cancer.  The really big black thing at the top is my brain and the two black things that match at the bottom are my kidneys.  What you don’t see is my bladder which was also black.  Everything else in the middle is cancerous lymph nodes.  The nice big juicy one that is up high and in the right side of my neck was where they did a biopsy on the 26^th of last month.  Crazy huh?

Guess what

So guess what… I have cancer.  This comes as a surprise because I am never sick.  I had a cold one time and kept telling Renée I was going to die because I felt so miserable, I got no sympathy.  My visits to the doctors growing up, felt to me anyways, were for broken bones.  I did have an ingrown toenail taken out while I was on my mission in Canada though.  My only concerns recently for my heath were my weight and all round physical fitness.  I found a way to get myself into physical fitness, join the Air Force.  This would not only put me in good physical heath but also provide a means to support my family.  I kinda got into running, kinda got into working out at the gym and really got into riding my bike.  In fact this new found hobby of mine became a wonderful way to just get out and clear my mind.  I have access, right close to me, to some good trails for my mtn. bike and some nice roads and hills for my road bike.  That, coupled with my job and Fed-Ex Ground got me down to weight for the Air Force.  I was able to swear in and a few weeks later I had a ship date of Nov. 22^nd, Renée’s and my wedding anniversary.

            Well a little before I swore into the Air Force I stopped exercising because I didn’t think I was going to be able to work at my job at night.  When I did go out and ride it was usually an easy one and maybe I stopped more often too.  My job at Fed-Ex was physically demanding but not enough to put me out the next day, but it was.  One night at work I was so exhausted that by the time I got to my car I was only able to text Renée that it was not safe for me to drive and I was going to sleep a bit in my car.  That text never got to her; I instead sent it to the person who was alphabetically in front of my wife…  Recruiter.  It was embarrassing but at least I didn’t send him a love text like others he has received from other recruits.  A few days later I called in sick because I never got over the fatigue from that night.  A few weeks later, on a Saturday, I helped my father-in-law, Rick, put together a tent to cover his boat.  It took about seven or so hours and I was hurting.  I took every chance to take a break, but it wasn’t to catch my breath but to just try and gather some lasting ounce of strength.  It never came.  The next day I left early from church and by Monday I was feeling like I had to call in sick.  It was at this time Renée touched my arm and was surprised to feel how warm I was.  I took my temp and it was around 102F°.  So I called in sick again.  They wanted me to go to a doctor’s because I had called in sick just a few weeks before, feeling the same way.  Next day the doctor said I had pneumonia or bronchitis.  Well that was it, and I was confident that I was going to be able to get back on track in just a week.  That’s not what happened.

            The Saturday after that I had a temp of 104F° then I got to go on a trip to the ER.  Renée had to stay home with our daughter Liliana so my father-in-law got to take me there.  The chest scan showed a mass and I was told to go see an oncologist.  I had no idea where to look for one so I went to my Sister-in-law, who happens to be an expert, and she recommended her doctor.  After various medical tests and a few procedures they were able to determine that I had Lymphoma, what type it was, and the severity of it.  It looks like I will be off of work till June and I will be on chemo for 6 months.  While that was going on I was relieved of my obligations to the Air Force.

 *breaths deeply, then exhales.*  Ok here we go.